Two weeks from today, it'll be my birthday, and I will be,

better, faster, thinner.

I know I don't upload much, and honest apologies for that, the weeks just been so hectic with exams and applications and oh lord does time go by fast. I mean, I can almost completely remember my first day of primary and now I'm here. I'm so nervous.

when you were young - killers,  not a song about eating disorders. but i like it lots and loads.

weeell, ski trip on the tenth, packingshoppingpackingshoppingbuyingfreakingoutpacking, 

I've got this fantastically amaaazing ipod app, it's a calorie counter, but the lovely part about it is that you put in your weight, your goal weight, and the date you want to be that weight and it calculates just how many calories you need to eat daily to be that by then! 

I've lost weight! which is super duper. 

I keep fainting, but ah well.

you win some, you lose some, eh? 

HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAVING THE MOST AMAZING TIME WHEREVER YOU ARE DOING WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING! 

I'm going on a ski trip next month! First time skiing since the age of fourteen. So exited.

I'll be rooming with a couple of friends, so I want to get down to a hundred before I go.

Is it strange that every time I lose weight, more and more males become interested?

pfft. men like curvy woman. then why?

anywho! still on a fast. but i'm tiredtiredtired. I might start having breakfast, barely completed exercising today.

Hey guys, added a chat room at the bottom of the blog so if you have anything to say to me, or anyone else who may stumble apon a chatroom on a pro ana blog, go ahead and speak. 

or you can visit the chatroom's site itself: 

http://goaheadandspeak.chatango.com

my weight isn't budging. I'm on a fast. It's stuck, It's not moving. I'm eating nothing and my weight isn't going down, any ideas of why? or what I could do to make it budge?


though I did have a digestive light cookie on new years day, but only that since the 27th.

Pass the cigarettes, take a drag, relax.

Went to see Coldplay yesterday! They were amaaazing. 

honestly had such a great time, the crowd was so into the song, the mood was grand. however it was cold outside, i seem to be cold all the time now, but it was actually cold this time. so, i practically froze.

had a light digestive yesterday (66) for the energy, I've been on a fast though, so I'm being an extra good girl. 

113 today.

113113113113113113113113113113113113113113113113113113113113113113113

linkitylink

this song is sososososo triggering, don't even know why.

Happy new year!

114 pounds, finally. 

I've been stuck on 115 pounds for such a long time, that seeing 114 on the scale today, practically made me cry. I'm feeling great, great, great!

 I am invincible. 

I am light. 

And finally, I will get to 110. All my hard work ill finally pay off! 

it's such a greaaat day. 

OH AND, I was so overjoyed by the 114, I haven't had anything to eat. But I've burnt 700 calories on the treadmill!                             i've had -700 calories today.        have i mentioned how much i love today? 

I might not be back on until after new year, so i'd like to wish you all a very lovely new year! 

okayokayokayokayokay.

now that it's almost new years, here's a post about my resolutions.

some being : 

- i will eat no more than four hundred calories a day.

- i will only have my safe foods.

- i will keep my school work at an A average.

and that is it.

stupid hospital.

stupid fat filled diet.

stupid weekly weigh ins.

see? stupid. when something is stupid stupid stupid you can tamper with it. you can make it go your way. because you, my friend, are not stupid.

stupid hospital? i'm out. i'm free. 

stupid diet? I can change. re arrange. pretend.

stupid weigh ins? stuffed socks, bras, undies, drink gallons of water.

so instead of weighing 110, which you really do, you weigh 120.

I have been in the hospital since I last wrote.
Yes, that long. I am sick. I'm so sick and I hate this, and I'm helpless and my bones are weak and my heart is fragile and day to day I go, knowing that I am probably going to pass away soon.
I HATE THIS, and worstly, it makes me eat.

I'm really really deadly sorry that I haven't been active!  But, ah well.
I've gotten into a fancy-shmancey boarding art school which i'm too too exited for.
I've lost, ONLY A POUND since you've last read?
ONLY A POUND.
Working my ass off for a pound. Sooomebody help me.


I think I'm in love and i'd like to be married and move to a very nice quiet town where people ride bikes and burn calories doing everything everywhere. I wish no one was fat. Fat people make me sad. I make me sad, ah, the complications of life.

I leave dubai on wednesday with a broken heart. 

Oh well, you win some you lose some. 

I'm actually better today, a lot better, I mean, what did I expect to do? Marry the guy?

maybe

But no! I am okay, I am okay and happy and not eating. And as I cried yesterday, cheeks snuck into my room and gave me his psp. A strange gesture, but a gesture indeed.

Anyway, I really am feeling better, but I think I'm off french people for the next.. forever.

Hope you guys are doing well! 




Today I'm going to have one boiled egg (80), four mushrooms (16), one grilled tomato (32)

Hello! 


I realise I haven't been posting for a while, let's just say french guy ended up to be a total tête de la merde which really sucks, because he was hot.


Also, I've been eating lately because I've been with him, even thought I could begin being normal, I would cry because of how many calories I was eating, but no, not with him. Not one complaint. douche. 


Don't worry though, I'm heart broken and was just being used for sex. Ah, again?

Guys suck.

Bodies, suck. Bodies allow guys to suck. Sucking, sucks. I'm so bummed. It's actually morbid how I turn to starvation when I'm sad. 

hello, starvation.           I'm sorry, but can I just put it out there that I really, really am an idiot. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, no! That part of my life is cut. I cut it. I do not want it. 

From tomorrow on, I shall concentrate on food, and the calming effect of losing weight. 

I hope you are all doing better then me, and fantastic! 

Au revoir, mon amis.

I'M FEELING GREAT! 

Really, very, extremely, fantastic. I know I've lost weight, even without a scale, I know it! It's extremely cold but ah well. I'm so very happy, haven't been eating very much, and I don't even mind! I can't wait to go back home having lost all this weight. I'm so in control right now, in the zone. 

Tonight dinner with the family, pleasekillmenow, but no! I think I'm pretty good at lying now, I'll be able to get past them. I will I will I will. I'll eat a chicken breast, no butter, no oil. maybe? Probably! And a pickle, well, I might just skip the pickle, which is great, great, great! 

I'm really really proud of myself, all this fat is just like melting off. Serves it right. 

I'll write about what I've had when I get back! 

Oh and there's a guy, I'll call him frenchie, alright? Well, he's french. (Um, hello miss obvious, pleased to meet you.) and he's really very hot, he's staying at my hotel and we're going bowling tomorrow. He's the one that helped me out when I half fainted at the gym, but he's a bit older than me, ah well.

 J'aime les gars chauds française. 

Went to the gym today and I was extremely close to fainting. Only burnt around 230 calories.

I feel like shit. 

I was on the treadmill, got to two hundred, continued going, around 220, starting shaking and shivering, 230 and i was on the floor. I didn't faint, I was conscious. But I couldn't get up for around an hour after, a bit weirded out to be honest. 

I'm feeling really strange lately

Everything hurts, always. It's hard to sit down, to lay down, even walking is a pain. My legs are always sore (from the constant exercise), and my bed is as hard and as uncomfortable as a brick.

Finished reading "The Best Little Girl In The World", oh why do they always recover? I'm a little jealous.


Anyway, other then that, not as tired anymore! Which is really really good. Very cold, though. Still no scale and I'm dying here. I want a scale so badly, to see those numbers. Obviously, they wont be "pleasant" but you know. They'll be better! My parents aren't letting me stick to the whole vegetarian things. They say, and I quote, "We invite you to go on holiday with, you eat like a human, not a goat" well, I don't think I'm eating cans so it's all good.

Meal plan for today goes something like.. Two low fat rice cakes (29x2=58), One cup Oceana light cranberry juice (20), A tomato (35), half a cup of rice (242/2=121), and a pickle (8).


Which would leave me at a total of 242, though, if my family is watching, I'll have one more cup of Oceana light cranberry juice (20), and a date (40). 


Which would give me a total of 302. 


Alright so Marya Hornbacher's "Wasted" Is my all time favourite Ana/Mia book. Then "The best little girl in the world", followed by "Wintergirls" Are there any more books on the topic you'd recommend? If so, please let me know.


Got into a fight with an bulimic friend of mine via - bbm. She called me fat I told her I wish she'd stick her fingers so far down her throat she'd choke and die, she's apologised five times, immature am I? if you ask me, fat is still the worst thing in the world to say. She's agreed with my biggest fear. 


On a lighter note, if any of you do have bbm, I swear I'm not always so mean! So contact me and we can talk, it'll be fun, a support-like thing! 

Just an update,

I'm sorry I'm barely posting,

Anyway, food I've had today goes like this
one apple (53) two dates (23x2=46), half a cup of rice (242/2=121), and a pickle (8).
Which leaves me at a total 228, woo?

1000 calories gone, poof, at the gym.

I'm so very tired all the time, bags have marked my face and will not leave,
I just want to sleep!

Oh oh oh,

I've decided I'm not allowed to have bread, at all, or cereal.

because they actually keep fat on your body. Which sucks, because I love bread. I don't love bread. Bread is food. Bread makes you fat. I don't love bread at all. 

Started reading "The Best Little Girl In The World", it's good so far, really really good, I like it more than "Wintergirls" , personally.

Have a good weekend, everyone! 

Hey hey hey, guess what?

My thighs don't touch anymore! At all, not even if I squeeze my knees together. Which is kind of bittersweet, because I know I'm gonna sound crazy here, but thightouchingness made me want to lose weight in the first place, and I guess I'll miss it. Don't worry though, I've got tons and tons of fat. Not great. But true.

Still no scale, ah,  please kill me now. 


Today, I ran more than i've ever ran in my life, for ages and ages. So football today was a great, great work out. Also, walked around in the mall for three hours, not sitting down once, and I was walking pretty fast. Thank heavens the mall is so very very huge.

Now, I'm going to go to the gym, hopefully i'll do good today. Maybe they have a scale there?

I'm dying without a scale.

Good luck to all.

I'll write a list of what I ate when I get back, alright? No list because I'm a failure at life who had to eat 700 calories. seven hundred fucking calories.

I don't know if I'm losing any weight - no scale here! Which is sad but I'm exercising more than ever, 500-1000 calories at the gym, three hours of soccer, which I know is not a lot but for me it is, so that's good.
And I haven't had anything more than 350 calories, which again, is great!
How're you guys going? I don't even feel hungry anymore, which really sucks, I miss the hunger pains. Yes, I actually do. So maybe 300 and less from now on?

Alright so today

Half a glass of Tabouli which is an arabic salad (150) two pickles (8x2=16) four mushrooms (44x4=176)

Total : 342

I'm having an amazing summer so far, except I've stopped talking to most of my friends.. everything just seems irritating lately after working out, eating nothing, and not having enough water, I'm just feeling so fatigued. 

Cup of white rice (242), Minestrone soup 1 1/2 cup (123), Five green teas (5) 

Total: 370 

Plane ride yesterday was completely horrible. Never again, never ever again. Purged everything 'course. But god, how I hate to love to purge. Just gotta keep calm and carry on.  I feel like I'm going insane, why does bread scare me this much?